8
It’s a book about courtship, or what I like to call romance with purpose.
PART 1: Rethinking Romance
17
The main point of I Kissed Dating Goodbye was: “If you’re not ready for marriage, wait on romance.”
21
I was overwhelmed by the thought that the God of the universe was willing to be involved in the details of my life – that He’d be willing to reach down and shut a door that He didn’t want me to walk through.
Still crying, I began to thank Him. “I don’t understand, but I thank You,’ I said. “I don’t understand, but I know You are good. I don’t understand but I know You’re taking this away because You have something better.”
That day was a turning point. I stopped trusting in my own carefully laid plans and asked God to show me His.
22
Don’t let impatience get the upper hand. Be her friend, but don’t communicate your interest until you’re ready to start a relationship that has a clear purpose and direction. You don’t want to play with her heart.
26-27
To put it simply, the joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Courtship is simply a relationship guided by this principle.
Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman who are actively and intentionally together to consider marriage. And it draws on principles we’ll look at in coming chapters about how to genuinely love others, the priority of sexual purity, and our need for the wisdom and perspective that comes from community.
The key was that everything we did in your relationship was the very clearly stated purpose of finding our if God would have us marry.
31
The teacher smiles. “Don’t worry about the other students,” he says. “I’ve carefully chosen brushes and paints for each of you. Trust me. You have what you need to complete the assignment. Remember, your goal is not to create a painting that mirrors the person next to you, but to do your best with the materials I’ve given you to replicate my painting.”
This is our assignment in courtship. It’s good to be inspired by couples who have se a godly example. Still, God isn’t asking us to copy each other but to fix our eyes on our Lord and Master Jesus Christ and pursue courtship in a way that’s faithful to His character.
32
So what is courtship? Basically it’s a really good idea…and not as strange as you might first think. It's dating with a purpose. It's romance chaperoned by wisdom. It’s a way of approaching relationships that can help us live out the truths of God’s Word as we pursue our heart’s desire. It’s a story of boy meets girl, where – whether you choose to marry or not – you can get to know each other in the confidence that you have only God’s very best ahead for each of you.
39
He couldn’t just do what felt right; he had to do what was right. Even though it hurt, he knew that the most caring thing he could do for the girl he loved was distracting both of them from serving God and obeying her parents.
40
Wisdom is simply the ownership of insight. It’s the “Oh, I get it!” that means we understand how one thing relates to another…and that we’re willing to change our attitudes and behaviour accordingly.
I like the way Eugene Peterson describes wisdom. He says that it’s “the art of living skilfully in whatever actual conditions we find ourselves.” When we guide romance with wisdom, we have skilful romance – romance that is directed by what is true about God and about the world he has made.
41-46
Three wisdoms in relationships.
1) Romance says, 2I want it now!” Wisdom urges patience.
We can be patient because we know that God is sovereign and that He is faithful. “I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O LORD my God” (Psalm 38:15).
2) Romance says, “This is what I want and it’s good for me.” Wisdom leads us to consider what’s best for the other person.
In James 3:17 we’re told, “The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” Add up all these qualities and you see that wisdom in relationships involves a selfless desire to do what’s best for the other person.
- Is staring this relationship now best for him?
- Will expressing all my feelings now serve her?
- Are my actions encouraging him to love God more?
- As I communicating clearly and in a way that helps her?
3) Romance says, “Enjoy the fantasy.” Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
48
The problems we see in relationships today – the impatience, the lack of purpose, and the misguided emotions – are all expressions of foolishness. We need wisdom. Wisdom complements romance. Like the string attached to the kite, wisdom enables romance to really soar.
48
I talk to many couples like Rich and Christy who ask, “How do we know when it’s the right time to start a courtship?” The basic answer to the question is that you’re to start a courtship when you can math romance with wisdom.
53
Anyone can have passionate feelings, but only those who seek God’s purpose and timing can know the true joy of romantic love fulfilled.
55
Do you see the problem? Our mindset is: “God, tell me who, tell me how, tell me when – and then I’ll trust you.” What God wants us to see is that if He did this, our trust wouldn’t be real. We want a definitive answer so we won’t feel vulnerable, weak and dependent on Him. But guess what? We are vulnerable, weak and dependent on Him. And it’s only when we realise our true condition that God can demonstrate His strength and love on our behalf.
63
A key encouragement to him was Philippians 4: 6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
66-68
1) Remember, God is interested in the journey, not just the destination.
It’s a mistake to view the process of deciding how, when, and with whom we begin a relationship as something to “get through” so we can move on to courtship and marriage. God is in no rush. His interest in all this is not limited to getting us married – He wants to use this process, and all the questions and uncertainties it involves, to refine us, sanctify us, and increase our faith.
2) Don’t overspiritualise decision making.
God knows all things. He knows whom we’ll marry before we meet him or her. But that doesn’t mean our task is to discover what He already knows or to worry that we might miss his perfect plan. Our responsibility is to love him, study His Word, deepen our relationship with Him, and learn to evaluate our choices in light of biblical wisdom. If we're doing these things, we can make our decisions in the confident that we aren’t somehow missing God’s will.
3) Our romanticized ideal of what we want in a spouse if often different from what God says matters.
My favourite part of David and Claire’s story is when Claire began to fall in love with David’s character – not his image or his personality, but his character. At first David didn’t fit her romanticized notion of what mattered in a husband, but then she realised that he was a man she could follow.
Source: Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello To Courtship – Joshua Harris (2000)
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