PART 2: The Season of Courtship
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I believe that in a God-glorying, wisdom-guided courtship we have two central priorities. The first is to treat each other with holiness and sincerity; the second is o make an informed and wise decision about marriage.
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Second Corinthians 1: 12 sums up what every Christian couple should be able to say at the end of a courtship:
Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God’s grace.
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Grow and guard in three areas
1) Friendship
The strategic question to keep in mind is: How can you let each other see the “real you”? Whatever it is you love, whatever it is that captures your imagination, invite the other person into it – ask the other to take you into his or her world too.
The focus of your friendship in its early stages should be on getting to know each other, not on creating premature intimacy and emotional dependence. In the beginning of your courtship, look for activities where the focus is on something besides being a couple. In your conversations and questions, avoid talking about the relationship. Instead, seek to learn about each other.
2) Fellowship
As your relationship unfolds, you want to make sure it has a spiritual foundation. For your relationship to be strong, love for God must be the common passion of your hearts. Courtship is the time tot grow in your ability to share this passion for God and learn to encourage each other in your faith.
You goal is to point each other to Him.
3) Romance
The essence of pure romance is pursuit – a man showing through his words and appropriate actions his care, affections, and sincere love for a woman and the woman responding in kind.
Our guideline for what we do and don’t do during courtship is that we never want our romantic expression to promise more commitment than we would be ready to express in words.
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Courtship is the time both to look for weak spots in your communication and to work to strengthen them. Our standards shouldn’t be perfection, but consistent growth.
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5 principles for authentic communication
1) Communication problems are usually heart problems.
2) Your ears are your most important communication tools.
When you ask the other person a question, absorb the answer. Note not only the words used, but also how they are spoken. Ask follow-up questions. Care more about their opinions and ideas than your own.
3) Good communication doesn’t happen by accident.
Taking your time in your courtship is wise. But don't assume that a long courtship means that you're communicating well. You have to be intentional about it. Communication doesn’t just happen. It’s something we have to plan for and work at.
We men should assume the responsibility of initiating meaningful communication in our relationships. Don’t plan activities; plan conversations. Before you get together, think about some of the questions you’d like to ask her. What do you want to discover? Be curious!
4) The absence of conflict doesn’t equal good communication.
Our goal shouldn’t be to avoid conflict, but to learn to work through it and resolve it in a way that honors God.
- Give actual and specific examples. If necessary, make notes before you communicate. Stay away from generalities.
- Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure that you both understand clearly what the other is saying and feeling. Encourage each other as you press toward a solution (Romans 14: 19)
5) Motive is more important than technique.
Before we worry about method or technique, we need to make sure the motive of our heart is pleasing to God. He wants our motive to be to sincerely love and serve others – to build up, encourage, and benefit them.
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Brittany, Kyle realised that until he was ready to propose, he needed to steer away from talking about “the future” as if they would be together then. “It wouldn’t be fair to Brittany for me to say, ‘Oh, wouldn’t it be great if we had a house like that one day,’ or even, ‘Someday in the future we’ll do such and such a thing.’ It makes it hard for her to say focused on where we are right now in the relationship.”
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Within the context of their equality, God assigned men and women different roles. He made Adam first, signifying his unique role as leader and initiator. He created ever from Adam and brought her to Adam to be his helper in the tasks God had assigned him. She was made to complement, nourish, and help her husband. God’s greatest gift to man was “a helper suitable for him” 9Genesis 2: 18). This doesn’t minimize woman’s role, but it does define it.
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Let’s be men
1) Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.
2) Be spiritual leader in your relationships with women.
3) Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect.
4) Encourage women to embrace godly femininity.
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If a man’s biggest temptation is to be passive, a woman’s biggest temptation is to take control.
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Being faithful to His plan will require faith, great courage, and the constant awareness that God, not you, is in the central figure of the plot – the story of human history is all about Him.
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Kerrin and Megan didn’t just invite other people to share their wedding day. Much earlier they had invited them to participate in their love story. The health and success of their courtship and subsequent marriage was integrally linked to the support, love, and strength they received from their church and family. “No man is an island,” John Doanne wrote. The same can be said if a man and woman in love. No couple is an island. A healthy relationship cannot be isolated from the people around it.
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The truth is the way he is treating you right now is exception – the way he acts around his family is who he really is. This principle also applies to how the other person behaves around friends. If you want a clear picture of each other, you need to make sure you’re building your relationship amidst the reality of community – not just when you're alone in romantic escapades.
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Why do we need community for a successful courtship?
Because we really do need one another.
We need to be reminded of reality.
We need protection.
We need help to be and do what we believe.
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There’s another reason the struggle of waiting for marriage is a blessing. God not only wants to maximize a couple’s enjoyment of sex in marriage, He also want them to learn to trust Him together. When a Christian man and woman systematically deny their own physical desires as an expression of mutual faith and submission to Jesus Christ, they are laying a solid spiritual foundation for the marriage. They’re learning to fight sin as a team. They’re learning to care for each other, pray for each other, and challenge each other. In the most practical of ways, they are submitting to Jesus Christ as the Lord of their relationship.
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“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers” (1 John 3: 16) . Before marriage, two friends are not yet lovers can prove their love by laying down their own sexual desires and protecting each other’s purity.
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I knew the moment I stopped struggling against my sinful nature and started believing the lies of lust, I’d be lost. That’s why I jumped out of bed and cried out to God for grace in my times of weakness. That’s why I was accountable to my roommate, Andrew, and my pastor about my thought life. That’s why, when sexual thoughts about Shannon came, I did my best to turn my focus to thanking God for what our future held and to asking for His help to be patient and strong in the meantime.
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Whatever guidelines you come up with need to grow out of the clear teaching of Scripture and from sincere conviction so you can follow them with joy.
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The effort will be more than worth it. Each time you feel as though you’re denying yourselves, you’re actually blessing yourselves. Each time you walk away from temptation and refuse to stoke the fires of passion prematurely, you’re sending yourselves the best gifts you’ll receive on the day of your wedding – gifts of trust and respect and increased passion.
Source: Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello To Courtship – Joshua Harris (2000)
