A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person!
Page 5
Marriage counseling doesn’t work unless you have two yeses in response
to the commitment question. If one or both partners are still trying to decide
whether they want to work things out, you can’t be honest and open with each
other for fear that will be the last straw. But if both individuals are committed
to making the relationship work, a good counselor can really help you develop
strategies and ways interact that will build up the relationship rather than
tear it down.
Page 11
It is not an event or a one-time thing. It
is not a fireworks felling or a field of flowers. It’s an action. It’s not just
about choosing the right person; it’s about becoming the right person – the
type of person who loves the way Christ loved us. It’s a daily commitment. But
if it’s going to happen, love must be a verb.
Page 20
When I fail to respect my wife, when I demean her or am condescending
toward her, when I mistreat her in any way, I am courting trouble with the
heavenly Father who feels passionately about my spouse’s welfare.
Page 22
Viewing God as Father-in-Law has helped me understand the apostle
Peter’s words: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your
wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you
of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1
Peter 3:7).
If I don’t treat her with respect as God’s daughter with all the honor
and privileges such a high standing involves, my prayer life will be hindered.
Page 23
God is aware of our spouse’s limitations – and he is just as eager for
us to be kind and generous with them despite these faults as we are for our
kids’ future spouses to be kind to them.
Page 24
Marriage becomes a central aspect of our
worship. We learn to love imperfect people by serving them out of reverence for
our perfect God, who loves us despite our brokenness. “We love because he first
loved us” (1 John 4:19).
Page 33
Obviously, if only one person is performing small acts of kindness
without reciprocation, the person being served can develop a sense of entitlement,
and the person serving can become resentful. But when two people are consistent
and intentional about looking out for each other in these simple ways, a
powerful message is both sent and received: “I am a witness to your life. I see
these routine things that are part of your daily grind, and I want to lighten
your load in this small way to show you how much I love you.”
Page 36
Not taking yourself so seriously is the first step toward bringing
laughter into your marriage. Being a responsible adult does not mean that you
must remain serious at all times.
Page 41
You do not have to choose between life and a spouse. You can enjoy life
with your spouse in the midst of the grind: “Enjoy life with your wife, whom
you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under
the sun – all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your
toilsome labor under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9).
Notice it does not say, “Endure life with your wife all your miserable
days.” This is the only place in the Bible where it says, “Enjoy life with your
wife.” You and I do not need to choose between the two, and one does not trump
the other. You can have both because marriage enhances life.
Page 42
Seasons create a pace and rhythm that breathe
hope into a marriage.
Page 43
Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Your marriage
needs several good doses of this medicine.
Page 47
The love I’m talking about experiencing that day was clear-eyed and
grounded in companionship. We were allies. Comrades. Partners. Companions.
There was no sunset spiking our mood, no piped-in background music to
romanticize the scene. This was the reality of being together as husband and
wife not only in love, but in friendship.
Page 50
Some years ago we wrote a book called The Love List. It’s designed to
help couples do eight little things that make a big difference in their
marriages. And of all the suggestions we note in this book, the chapter called
“Find Something That Makes You Both Laugh” seems to
resonate most with couples. And why shouldn’t it? After all, laughter is
essential to being good friends. It bonds people like nothing else can.
Sure, you feel sad when your friend is sad. You shoulder his pain. But you also
share his funny bones.
Page 55
Here’s my best advice: Don’t ever go to
seep mad at each other. You need to stay awake until you get it all settled.”
Page 58
One thing I’ve always told young couples is to not be afraid to ask
each other questions. Even simple questions like “How are you doing?” will
yield a lot of information if you listen to the answer. Often, if a spouse is
feeling lonely or fearful or frustrated, he or she just needs a chance to tell
you.
Page 71
Scripture tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:4 that God has given us weapons
that can help us destroy negative thinking. However it’s up to us to stop and
take or negative thoughts captive.
Page 72
Roll invites you to get in the habit of replacing negative thoughts and
actions with positive thoughts and actions. Just as rolling over and over on
the ground smothers flames that could lead to death, our marriage began coming
back to life when we stopped responding as we had in the past, started taking
captive of our negative thoughts toward each other, and, with God’s help, started
choosing to assume that the other person was speaking and acting with positive
intentions.
Page 73
God does want what is best for you. However, for you to experience His
best will first require faith on your part to believe that He does and then
corresponding actions in response to that faith.
Page 78
Even if the good you see in your spouse
seems infinitesimally small right now, nurture it with your words as you would
a tiny seedling in unyielding ground.
Page 80
No one trusts a person who constantly doles out disapproval and
denigration. But if you have poured true Christian
encouragement into your spouse, his or her faith in you grows. Your spouse sees
that you genuinely care, that you do try to see the best in him or her.
When your husband is working on a series of projects around the house,
commend him for the good work he’s done on one task before the moves on to the
next. Say, for instance, “I love the way you pay attention to details. The
primer you put on before that paint job made the finished product look so much
nicer!”
Page 84
WOMEN
BUILD TRUST BY CONNECTING
If I want my wife to trust me, I need to
develop the ability to be intrigued (好奇的，被迷住了的) with her conversations.
MEN
BUILD TRUST THROUGH SUCCESS
When I help Bill feel successful in conversation, in his career, in our
romance, in our lovemaking, and in our decisions, his sense of well-being
soars, and he is easy to live with. When I ignore this need and get too critical
with him, he grows silent and uncooperative.
Page 88
We were told emphatically that marriage is
a relationship of two imperfect people who need to forgive each other often.
One couple even said, “Couples don’t fall out of love, They fall out of forgiveness.”
Page 91
Don’t ever threaten your spouse with divorce or separation.
Page 98
Avoiding the silent treatment. If I need some time to cool off, I do so
with a full explanation. (“Honey, I’m gonna walk
around the block a couple of times to clear my head and think more about what
we’ve been arguing about. I’ll be back in the thirty minutes.”)
Steering clear of using the words always and never, and not saying
demeaning things during fight, such as “You never say anything nice about me to
your parents”. “You always act so immature when you’re around your high school
buddies.” “I do everything for the kids because you’re self-centered,
egotistical slob who never thinks of anyone but him/herself.” A better way to
express the latter would be “Help me understand why you failed to pick Billy up
at school today and what you plan to do so that it doesn’t happen again. I know
you are about our children, but we both know we can’t be getting any more calls
like this from the principal.”
Page 104
When I met with Wendel man-to-man, he very politely raked me over the
coals and basically said, “Even though he was talking to Gina, it was all about
you because the measure of a man’s ministry is how he treats his wife and his
children. Men can con men all the time because we think it’s about externals
and performance. Its not. The measure of a man’s
ministry is the spiritual health of his wife and his children. “ That
insight – that implicit advice – began to shape my life for the better.
Page 105
You have to realize that when God calls
you. He has an equally important purpose for your spouse; His call to you is
not to be independent of your spouse.
Page 122
“Lord, I confess my unfortiveness. Please take it away. Take away the
bad attitude I have toward my husband.” That’s when I heard God speak clearly
to my heart: “Your attitude is a choice you make.”
Page 123
I needed to choose to have faith that God could work in this situation
– even though I could not fathom now.
Page 139
One our parents told us about at our wedding, now seventeen years ago:
no matter what it feels like at that moment, your spouse cares about you and
wants your best.
Page 146
Michael reacted to my (Amy) rather
innocent dinner plans instead of responding.
We want to make a clear distinction between reacting and responding. Reacting is when someone immediately lashes out or shuts
down because their feelings have been hurt or they discover something
they do not like. It is our natural “enslaved to sin” reaction. Responding, on the other hand, is when we stop and think
before we speak or act. When we respond to a situation, we have actually
put some thought into what we are about to say or do. Responding is taking our
sin nature by the throat and telling it to get out of the way.
If you want to start responding instead of reacting to a conflict in
your relationship, James 1:19-20 offers this guideline: “Everyone should be
quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger down
not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” The absolute best thing a
couple can do when conflict erupts is to stop whatever they are doing and take
a time-out.
Page 153
If you open the spiral-bound calendar I keep on my desk, you’ll notice
something odd in the box marking the first day of every month. Each box has a
set of letters followed by a question mark: HWILTBMTM?
That’s what I do to remind myself a dozen times a year to take to heart
the best advice I’ve received on marriage. It came in the form of a question
that marriage experts Les and Leslie Parrott urge spouses to ask themselves: “How would I like to be married to me?”
Page 154
If you ask why we have been able to build a strong marriage on an
initially unstable foundation, I would say this: the
degree to which we’ve flourished as a couple is the degree to which we’ve
cooperated with God and let Him change us as individuals in to new creations in
Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Page 158-159
Like a lot of spouses , Leslie and I avoided conflict for much of our
marriage. But our unresolved hurts drove a wedge between us. Now we’ve learned
to follow what we call the “stop, look and listen”
approach. First, when conflict arises, we stop being defensive and honestly
consider whether there’s a seed of truth in what the other person is saying.
Second, we prayerfully look for mutually acceptable solutions that will
not only resolve this immediate quarrel but which might help us deal with this
entire category of conflict. In other words, we try to look beyond the argument
at hand and see how this disagreement might fit into a broader patter of
conflict that we need to deal with on a deeper level.
Third, we listen. James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak and slow to become angry.” The key is to listen with what
psychologists call “the third year”. This means becoming attentive to the
emotions beneath our words.
Sometimes we’ll argue over a minor matter, and Leslie will say, “I hear
some hurt in your voice. I can tell you’re upset by more that this little
issue. What’s really bothering you?” That opens the door to a deeper level of
relating. Instead of skating on the surface of our conflict, we can dig down to
the roots of our discontent and talk about the subterranean emotions that are
fueling our behaviour.
Source: THE BEST ADVICE I EVER GOT ON MARRIAGE: Transforming Insights
from Respected Husbands & Wifes, Compiled
by Jim Daly (2012)
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