“Why, Lord?” she whispered. “Why is this so hard? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Take them away if they’re not from You.”
From my vantage point, Shannon Hendrickson seemed happy, confident, and oblivious of me. I was sure she liked another guy. As I watched her drive away, I whispered my own prayer. What is Your will, God? Is she the one? Help me be patient. Show me when to act. Help me trust You.
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This is why my phone call to Shannon was such a big deal. I’d reached a point where I felt I was ready to pursue marriage, and I was deeply attracted to her. What now? I had experienced God’s faithfulness as I waited on romance; now I was stepping into the unknown believing that He would continue to be faithful as I pursued romance.
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There in the darkness I started to cry. I wasn’t mad at Rachel; I wasn’t bitter. I cried because I knew God was behind it all. He was the one who had closed the door on a relationship with Rachel, and He’d done it for my good. I was overwhelmed by the thought that the God of the universe was willing to be involved in the details of my life-that He’d be willing to reach down and shut a door that He didn’t want me to walk through.
Around that time I began to see Shannon in a new light. Her kindness to others and me caught my attention. She has a passion for God and a maturity that belied her short time as a believer. How can I explain it? She just began to pop up in my thoughts and prayers. I looked forward to the chance to see her and talk. What I learned about her through our interaction and from what I heard from others impressed me. I was that the reasons I had for why I wouldn’t be interested in her were shallow. God was changing my heart.
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I was living with my pastor, C.J., at the time. Since my mom and dad lived far away in Oregon, C.J. and his wife, Carolyn, had become like a second set or parents to me. I told them about my interest in Shannon. Their counsel helped keep me on track: “Don’t let impatience get the upper hand. Be her friend, but don’t communicate your interest until you’re ready to start a relationship that has a clear purpose and direction. You don’t want to play with her heart.”
It wasn’t easy. I would swing between the conviction that I needed to conceal my feelings and the urge to send her signals just to find out if there was any mutual interest. I could trust God better if I knew she liked me, I argued. But deep down I knew this wasn’t true. I needed to be a man-a non-committal testing of the waters wouldn’t be fair to her.
I started seeking the advice of the most trusted people in my life-my parents, my pastor and people from our church who knew Shannon and me well. Was I prepared spiritually and emotionally for marriage? Could I provide for a wife and family? Was this God’s time for me to pursue a relationship? My prayers kicked into high gear.
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Throughout history, communities and couples knew that meaningful intimacy shouldn’t outpace commitment. So they adopted certain practices-certain agreed-upon guidelines for behaviour-that helped them balance appropriate intimacy with the level of commitment. A man only pursued a woman romantically when he had the intention of pursuing marriage. He honored the protection care of the girl’s parents by seeking their approval for pursuing their daughter. With intentions clearly understood a couple was given the privileges of time together. A physical relationship was saved for the total commitment of marriage.
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But we weren’t simply trying to get swept up in our emotions. Instead, we were letting our feelings grow naturally out of our deepening respect, friendship and commitment to one another. Setting a clear course for a defined season of courtship helped us keep from rushing into involvement with our hearts and bodies before we had time to get to know each other’s mind and character.
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The only pressure a couple should feel when they begin a courtship is the good pressure God’s Word places on them to honor Hum and treat each other with purity and integrity. It’s the desire that can keep us from making courtship just dating with a different name.
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Remember, your goal is not to create a painting that mirrors the person next to you, but to do your best with the materials I’ve given you to replicate my painting.”
This is our assignment in courtship. It’s good to be inspired by couples who have set a godly example. Still, god isn’t asking us to copy each other but to fix our eyes on our Lord and Master Jesus Christ and pursue courtship in a way that’s faithful to His character.
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Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience.”
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Wisdom calls us to slow down. We can be patient because we know that God is sovereign and that He is faithful. “I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O LORD my God” (Psalm 38:15).
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Romance says, “This is what I want and it’s food for me.” Wisdom leads us to consider what’s best for the other person.
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I talk to many couples like Rich and Christy who ask, “How do we know when it’s right time to start a courtship?” The basic answer to the question is that you’re ready to start a courtship when you can match romance with wisdom.
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The right time and age to start pursuing marriage will be different for each of us. But the one thing we should all have in common is waiting until romance can be guided by wisdom. Then we can experience the season of courtship at the right time and the right pace with a clear purpose and a clear head. This is romance at its best.
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1. Am I prepared to lead my wife spiritually and serve her in every way?
2. Do I have proven character, and am I growing in godliness?
3. To whom and for what am I accountable?
4. How am I involved in the church? What are my gifts and ministry areas? What are hers?
5. Are my motives for pursuing marriage selfish and worldly, or are they to honor God?
6. Can I provide financially?
7. What do my pastors and parents have to say?
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John Calvin wrote, “The evil in our desire typically does not lie in what we want, but in what we want it too much.” David realised his mistake. Marriage was a good thing. It was good for him to desire it. But God was mercifully using the difficult experience of having this desire denied to show him that he wanted it too much. He had been placing his hope for happiness in starting a courtship and getting married instead of in trusting God for his ultimate satisfaction.
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A key encouragement to him was Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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As he prayed, David suddenly realised that it was the first time he wasn’t assuming that he knew who the girl was going to be. He had finally let go. “For me, it was evidence that God was transforming me,” he says. “I prayed, Lord, I need You to help me determine who just as much as when and how.”
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David could hardly believe that his two friends were echoing the exact words of his parents. He began to tell them that he was content. He was really at peace and not in a hurry. As he talked, David realized the significance of what he was saying. He actually meant what he was saying! He really was content. He really was at peace.
And suddenly, in the midst of this God’s given peace, David sensed that God was telling him the time had come to try again.
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God knows all things. He knows whom we’ll marry before we meet him or her. But that doesn’t mean our task to discover what He already knows or to worry that we might miss His perfect plan. Our responsibility is to love Him, study His Word, deepen our relationship with Him, and learn to evaluate our choices in light of biblical wisdom. If we’re doing these things, we can make our decisions in the confidence that we aren’t somehow missing God’s will.
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I believe that in a God-glorifying, wisdom-guided courtship we have two central priorities. The first is to treat each other with holiness and sincerity; the second is to make an informed and wise decision about marriage.
In courtship our goals should be to grow and guard. We want to grow close so we can truly know each other’s character, but we also want to guard each other’s hearts because the outcome of our relationship is till unknown.
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2 Corinthians 1:12 sums up what every Christian couple should be able to say at the end of a courtship:
Now this is our boats: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God’s grace.
Instead of making engagement the finish line of courtship, our goal should be to treat each other in a godly manner, make the right choice about marriage, and have a clear conscience about our actions.
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You could say in courtship we’re walking across the high wire stretched between friendship and marriage. The two priorities of growing and guarding are like the two ends of our balancing pole. We need to hold our pole in the middle for success. If we’re too guarded, we won’t move forward in the relationship; if we grow close too fast, we risk emotional injury or unwise choices later on.
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Guarding each others’ hearts during this time means making sure the friendship has appropriate pace, focus and space.
The pace should be unhurried. Don’t try to become best friends the first week. Just like any other friendship, this one takes time and consistent investment to develop. Don’t rush or try to force your way into each others’ lives.
The focus of your friendship in its early stages should be on getting to know each other, not on creating premature intimacy and emotional dependence. In the beginning of your courtship, look for activities where the focus is on something besides being a couple. In your conversations and questions, avoid talking about the relationship. Instead, seek to learn about each other. Don’t grab for more intimacy than is warranted. The focus will change as mutual confidence about commitment process deepens. You’ll earn access to each other’s hearts over time.
The amount of space your friendship occupies in your life will also grow over time. In the beginning, be careful that it doesn’t crowd out relationships with friends and families. Don’t be threatened by the other person’s outside relationships.
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Once I bought a book called The Book of Myself: A Do-It-Yourself Autobiography. It had 201 questions designed to help people write their own life story. Using a black market, I changed the title so that it read The Book of Shannon…As Told to Joshua.
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During his courtship with Ginger, my friend Chuck consistently initiated what he called “heart checks”. These were conversations in which he and Ginger talked about their expectations and concerns and their level of faith in the relationship.
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Within the context of their equality, God assigned men and women different roles. He made Adam first, signifying his unique role as leader and initiator. He created Eve from Adam and brought her to Adam to be his helper in the tasks God had assigned him. She was made to complement, nourish, and help her husband. God’s greatest gift to man was “a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2: 18). This doesn’t minimize a woman’s role, but it does define it.
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Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.
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The same principle applies in your courtship. Do you initiate conversations? Do you carefully plan your dates? Are you thinking ahead and directing the course of the courtship? It’s your job to make sure that it’s continuing to grow at a healthy rate. It’s your responsibility to make sure you’re both guarding your hearts.
Be spiritual leader in your relationships with women.
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Being captivated by God’s way won’t happen by accident-it requires purposeful effort before marriage. Author Ken Myers once told me, “True love doesn’t just wait; it plans.” He’s right. While we’re single or in a courtship, we need to do more than just avoid what’s wrong-we need to plan and work hard at being captivated by the good.
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There’s another reason the struggle of waiting for marriage is a blessing. God not only wants to maximize a couple’s enjoyment of sex in marriage, He also wants them to learn to trust Him together. When a Christian man and woman systematically deny their own physical desires as an expression of mutual faith and submission to Jesus Christ, they are laying a solid spiritual foundation for their marriage. They’re learning to fight sin as a team. They’re learning to care for each other, pray for each other and challenge each other. In the most practical ways, they are submitting to Jesus Christ as the Lord of their relationship.
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That’s why I jumped out of bed and cried out to God for grace in my times of weakness. That’s why I was accountable to my roommate, Andrew, and my pastor about my thought life. That’s why, when sexual thoughts about Shannon came, I did my best to turn my focus to thanking God for what our future held and to asking for His help to be patient and strong in the meantime.
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Let me say it again: My goal in sharing our guidelines is not that you’ll adopt them. You might be able to do some of these things with a clear conscience before God. Whatever guidelines you come up with need to grow out of the clear teaching of Scripture and form sincere conviction so you can follow them with joy.
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I’ve already mentioned that Shannon and I decided to save our first kiss for our wedding day. This is another example of an outward action that is meaningless unless it’s backed up by a heart of desire to glorify God and serve each other. I don’t encourage couples to make this or any other commitment so they can feel morally superior to other people. Neither do I think that this should be the litmus test of truly godly relationships. As you’ve already heard, I sinned more in my heart without kissing Shannon than many guys who kiss their girlfriends. The most important issue is our motive and our heart before God.
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The effort will be more than worth it. Each time you feel as though you’re denying yourselves, you’re actually blessing yourselves. Each time you walk away from temptation and refuse to stoke the fires of passion prematurely, you’re sending yourselves the best gifts you’ll receive on the day of your wedding-gifts of trust and respect and increased passion.
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As the authors of Preparing for Marriage wisely state, “It is better to speak the truth prior to your marriage than to live with the fear, deceit, and shame that comes from hiding the truth from your mate.”
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The real questions are: “Are we ready to care for, sacrifice for, and love each other through good times and bad?” and “Do we believe that we would glorify God more as a couple than as individuals?” and “Are we ready for forever?”
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I’m no expert. If you’re single, I’m not only a few steps ahead of you on this path. But I’m calling back to you with this encouragement: God’s way really is best. His timing is perfect. Waiting on Him is more than worth it. Honoring Him and practicing His principles as you walk the path to marriage will lead you to the greatest joy and fulfilment.
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And the wait didn't seem so long now that she was in my arms.
It’s simple story, really.
Two people learning to trust God.
Two winding paths that God made straight.
Two straight paths that He chose to cross at just the right time. We watched Him do that. For all the moments of difficult involved, we wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
God wants to do the same for you.
Yes, you.
The Creator of romance, the Maker who arranged the first “boy meets girl” in the Garden so very long ago, is still at work
Source: Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello To Courtship – Joshua Harris (2000)
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