I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997)

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Every relationship for Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what’s in his or her best interest. TO care for him or her even when there’s nothing in it for us. To want that person’s purity and holiness because it pleases God and protect him or her.

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True love isn’t just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words left unsaid.

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Proverbs 3:3 states, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” God wants love and faithfulness to be connected. In His plan, the personal benefits of an intimate relationship – emotional or sexual – are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to another person’s long-term good.

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C. S. Lewis describes friendship as two people walking side by side toward a common goal. Their mutual interest brings them together.

In dating, romantic attraction is often the cornerstone of the relationship. The premise of dating is “I’m attracted to you; therefore, let’s get to know each other.” The premise of friendship, on the other hand, is “We’re interested in the same things; let’s enjoy these common interests together.” If romantic attraction forms after developing a friendship, it’s an added bonus.

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As Christians, we need to remember that God’s perfect love is not only for our benefit. A model wars clothing to attract attention to the designer’s creativity. The model displays the designer’s work, but the designer’s reputation, not the model’s, is on the line. In the same way, as Christians, we model God’s love, whether or not we realize it. People watch us, and what they see affects God’s reputation for loving His creation. If we claim to follow Christ then wear the world’s twisted style of love, we drag the name and character o four Lord in the dirt.

For this reason, we must ask ourselves, “Am I modeling the love of Christ? Do my motivations and actions in this relationship reflect the perfect love God has shown me?” How would you answer those questions right now?

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The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, “This is love.” God take us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, “This is love.”

Christ taught that love is not for the fulfillment of self but for the glory of God and the good of others. True love is selfless. It gives; it sacrifices; it dies to its own needs. “Greater love has no one than this,” Jesus said, “that he lay down his life for this friends” (John 15:13). He backed up His words with actions – He laid down His life for all of us.

Christ also showed that true love is not measured or governed by feeling. He went to the cross when every emotion and instinct in His body told Him to turn back. Have you ever read about the night before Jesus’ death when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane? (See Mark 14:32) He clearly didn’t feel like enduring the beatings, hanging on the cross, and enduring God’s wrath for sin. But he submitted Himself to His Father’s will. Jesus’ feelings were not the test of His love, nor were they His master.

Christ wants us to have this same attitude. He did not say, “If you love me, you will feel warm, cascading sensations of religious emotion.” Instead He told us, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14:15). True love always expresses itself in obedience to God and service to others. Good feelings are nice but not necessary.

We express true live in obedience to God and service to others – not reckless or selfish behaviour – and we choose these behaviours.

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As we seek to love according to God’s design, we must pursue sincerity: “Love must be sincere.” This brief command given in Romans 12:9 leaves no room for misunderstanding. The love God wants his children to live by has no room for deceit and hypocrisy – it has to be genuine and earnest.

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“For I know the plans I have for you,” God says, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29: 11). Let’s live our todays for His kingdom and entrust our tomorrows to His providence.

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The apostle Paul instructs his spiritual son Timothy to treat younger women “as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:2).

At another point Paul tells timothy what the focus and purpose of these relationships should be. “Flee the evil desires of youth,” he writes, “and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).

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“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:10)

It’s important to be consistent – don’t show kindness only to those people you have a romantic interest in. Instead show kindness to all your brothers and sisters. This isn’t flirting for the purpose of stirring romantic interest in someone; it’s showing Christlike brotherly love.

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Friendship is about something other than two people in the relationship; intimacy is about each other. In a true friendship, something outside the two friends brings them together. C.S. Lewis writes, “We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead.” They key to friendship is a common goal or object on which both companions focus. It can be an athletic pursuit, a hobby, faith, or music, but it’s something outside of them. As soon as the two people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship.

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The Bible tells us the heart is “the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23), the source of our attitudes, words, and deeds. If we fail to keep our hearts clean, the rest of our lives will stagnate and become dirty.

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“I want to stay focused on God. Until the right man comes along, I refuse to feed romantic expectations and let my heart get carried away.”

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We should seek completely remove lust from our minds. We should pray, “Create in me a pure heart, O God” (Psalm 51:10). Help me to be like Job, who made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at others (Job 31:1). Forgive me for pampering lust in my life; help me to guard against it faithfully. May the “meditation of my heart be pleasing to your sight, O Lord” (Psalm 19:14).

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“When I felt lonely, I would think, God is calling me back to Him,” she told me. During these times she learned to pour out her heart to God and talk with Him. Now she wouldn’t trade those intimate moments with God for the world.

Yes, our hearts are deceitful, but the promise of 1 John 3:20 gives us hope in our labor: “For God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything.”

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A wedding is an event, but a marriage is a state of being. It’s not a one-time act; it’s a lifelong commitment to be developed and maintained.

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Marriage is a refining process. Conflict will occur in every marriage. When issues erupt between the two of you, it will be easy for one to blame the others. “If you would just leave the air conditioner on when it gets this hot, I wouldn’t get upset!” The fact is, your spouse won’t make you sin. They simply reveal what’s already in your heart. One of the best wedding gifts God will give you is a full length mirror called your spouse. If He were to attach a card it would say, “Here’s to helping your discover what you’re really like. Congratulations!”

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I have leveled with the girls – from Anchorage to Amarillo.

I tell them that all marriages are happy.

It’s the living together afterward that’s tough.

I tell them that a good marriage is not a gift, it’s an achievement.

That marriage is not for kids. It takes guts and maturity.

It separates the men from the boys and women from the girls.

I tell them that marriage is tested daily by the ability to compromise.

Its survival can depend on being smart enough to know what’s worth fighting about.

Or making an issue of or even mentioning.

Marriage is giving-and more important, it’s forgiving.

And it is almost always the wife who must do these things.

Then, as if that were not enough, she must be willing to forget what she forgave.

Often that the hardest part.

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And to the guys, we have our work cut out for us, don’t we? My hope for us is that we would truly grasp the costliness, the pricelessness, of a woman’s love. It is no small thing, no game, to invite a girl to accompany us through life. May we earn the right to make such a request by striving to be men of integrity-men whose hearts are oceans “strong and true”. Then, and only then, should we stand at the bars of a woman’s soul and ask to gain entrance.

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As we consider what’s important in a marriage partner, we need to get past the surface issues of looks, dress, and performance in front of others. “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at,” God says. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Proverbs 31:30 tells us, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting.” The same verse tells us that the kind of person who deserves praise is the one who “fears the Lord.”

We’re too easily impressed by image; God wants us to value qualities that will last. Wisely choosing a marriage partner requires that we get back to the essentials of a person’s character and attitude.

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As we evaluate someone’s character (including our own), we need to carefully observe three areas – how the individual relates to God, the way he or she treats others, and the way this person disciplines his or her personal life. These areas are like windows into a person’s character. “As the daylight can be seen through very small holes, so little things will illustrate a person’s character,” writes Samuel Smiles.

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Parents. You have probably heard this sage advice before: “The way a guy treats his mum is the way he’ll treat his wife.” It’s true. The same goes for the way a girl relates to her dad. I’m not saying that a person who has had a bad relationship with his or her dad or mum can’t have a good marriage. By God’s grace we can overcome old patters. But we do need to ask, “If he can’t be loving and gentle with his mum, why should I believe he’ll be loving and gentle with his mum, why should I believe he’ll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?” or “If she can’t respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?”

Don’t forget to evaluate your own life. How do you relate to your parents? Can you improve the way you interact with them so you’ll know how to honor your future spouse? If you’d really like the answer to these questions, ask your parents to tell you their perspectives on your relationship with them.

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How a person uses time. I heard Elisabeth Elliot give a speech in which she said that one of the things that first attracted her to Jim Elliot was the fact that the memorized Scripture as he waited in the cafeteria line. That observation told her that Jim was discipline and efficient.

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One of the things I respect most about my dad is his willingness to humble himself before my mum and the rest of my family by confessing sin. If he has spoken a harsh word or acted uncaringly, he doesn’t hesitate to seek forgiveness. A lesser man can’t do this.

Two people don’t keep a marriage strong because they never make mistakes; they keep a marriage strong by maintaining an attitude of humility that is quick to confess sin, put the other first, and seek forgiveness.

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“You work so hard, and we’re trying,” said Jane, “but it’s pretty rough. I didn’t have quite enough money to pay the light bill. I didn’t want  you to know about it, so I through we would just eat by candlelight.”

Dr. Hill described his wife’s words with intense emotion: “She could have said, ‘I’ve been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off.’ She could have broken my spirit: she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, ‘Somehow or another we’ll get these lights on. But let’s eat tonight by candlelight.’”

Tears come to my eyes every time I read this story. Mrs Hill’s optimism and readiness to walk through tough times with her husband exemplify the two qualities I desire in my own life and pray for most in a wife. I am looking for someone who will light candles, not just curse the darkness.

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Every time you feel attracted to someone, keep in mind that you’re involved in three kinds of relationships: your relationship with the person you’re interested in; your relationship with the people around you, including family and friends; and most important, your relationship with God. You have a responsibility toward each.

“Josh, what’s your relationship to this girl?”

“She’s a sister in Christ whom I’m instructed to treat her with absolute purity.”

“Exactly! She’s not just a pretty face or a potential wife!”

“No, she’s a child of God. God has a plan for her. He’s shaping her and molding her into something special.”

“So what is your responsibility to her?”

My responsibility is to make sure I don’t get in the way of what God is doing. I should encourage her to keep her focus and dependence on God.”

“Okay, good. Now to whom is your second responsibility?”

“My second responsibility is to the people around me.”

“Such as…?”

“Such as the people in the church group, non-Christians who might observe our relationship, and even my little brothers, who watch how I relate to girls.”

“Why do you have to care what they think?”

“I have a responsibility to keep the unity of the group here at church; I have a responsibility to model the love of Jesus to outsiders; and I have responsibility to set an example for other believers.”

“And your primary responsibility is to God, correct?”

“Exactly. I am responsible to keep my way pure, serve others as Christ did, and love my neighbors as I love myself.”

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The first priority for a guy and girl is to get to know each other better as individuals-to gain an accurate, unbiased  view of each other’s true nature. How can you do this? First, instead of dropping out of your regular routines to spend time together, look for opportunities to include one another in your real lives. Find activities that pull you both into each other’s world of family, friends, and work, as well as areas of service and ministry.

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Holding off the physical side of the relationship, though difficult, will enable you to focus on the soul of your spouse-to-be. A couple once told me their motto was, “Where physical progression beings, depth progression ends.” In other words, as soon as they began to focus on the physical side of their relationship, the spiritual and emotional side ceased to deepen.

Make a commitment to God, parents, Christian mentors, friends, and your partner to let your passion sleep, storing up your desire for the marriage bed. It will awaken with joy at the proper time.

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What is Your will, God? Is she the one? Help me to be patient. Show me when to act. Help me to trust You.

Source: I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997)