Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) - Joshua Harris (2005) 1/3

PART 1
The Truth About Lust
20
I have a simple definition for lust: Lust is craving sexually what God has forbidden.
To lust is to want what you don’t have and weren’t meant to have. Lust goes beyond attraction, an appreciation of beauty, or even a healthy desire for sex – it makes these desires more important than God. Lust wants to go outside guidelines to find satisfaction.

23 – 27
Misguided in 3 key areas:
1) the wrong standard for holiness
Ephesians 5:3 – But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity, or of greed because these are improper for God’s holy people.
God standard of not even a hint.
2) the wrong source of power to change
It reminds me that God’s standard is so much higher than the standards I place for myself that only the victory of Christ’s death and resurrection can provide the right power and the right motive needed to change me. Will power won’t work. Only the power of the cross can break the power of sin that keeps us on its treadmill.
3) and the wrong motive for fighting our sin
Despair or pride that I can change won’t work either. Only the motive of grace – trust in the undeserved favor of God – can inspire us to pursue holiness free from fear and shame.

30
That’s the mystery of His plan. You will find his strength in your weakness. As you despair in yourself, you will find hope in Him. And as you turn your back on lust, you will discover that true pleasure is something only God can give.

34
God gave us our dries so we could drive toward something. Just as He gave us appetite for food so that we wouldn’t forget to feed our bodies, He gave us a sexual appetite so that men and women would keep being joined together and creating offspring in marriage.
And beyond procreation, our sex drive is in some mysterious way part and parcel of our drive to build, advance, conquer and survive. Our sexuality and our sex drive are intertwine and tied together with our creativity and with our innate human desire to continue life on this spinning planet. Being a sexual being with sexual desires is part of what it means to be a human created in God’s image.

37
Misplaced shame can be dangerous because it saps our strength for fighting our real enemy. A person who is wrongly ashamed of being a sexual creature with sexual desires will quickly feel overwhelmed and helpless because he’s trying to overcome more than just lust – he’s trying to stop being human!

37 – 38
Prayer
- God, in this moment my whole body seems to be screaming for sexual satisfaction – would You please quiet my desires? My body was made for You and for holiness, not for sexual sin. Help me to glorify You with my body.
- God, thank You for beauty and for my ability to appreciate it. That person is very attractive. But let me look on him with purity. I don’t want to covet and lust after him. Help me to view him as a person made in Your image, not an object of my lust.

38
John Piper explains lust with this simple equation: “Lust is a sexual desire minus honor and holiness.” When we lust, we take this good thing – sexual desire – and remove from it honor toward fellow humans and reverence for God.

39
It’s only when we properly identify the source of lust as our selves that we can take responsibility and do something about it. Which brings me to an important point I don’t want you to miss: Though the source of lust is our own evil desires, the One who is offended is God. When we choose lust, we are actively rejecting God:
For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit (1 Thessalonians 4: 7-8)

41
God says “not…even a hint” because you can’t give in to lust’s demands and hope to pacify it. It always grows. And as it does, lust will orb you of your ability to enjoy true, godly pleasure. You can’t bargain with lust and come out a winner.

47
Only the power of the gospel can rescue us from the prison of our sin, and only the motive of grace can sustain us in the ongoing struggle against lust.

49
Here’s what you have to remember: You need to be rescued. You need God’s grace. And not just on your bad days – you need God’s grace every day.

50
(Josh can’t keep the contract signed/designed by himself)
The law, and our obedience of it, could never make us righteous. It only reveals how sinful we are and how incapable of changing by ourselves. The law is a huge signpost pointing out the fact that we need a Savior.

52
The process of sanctification is the result of being justified. Nothing we do in our pursuit of holiness adds to our justification.

56
Spirit-led life is not some superspiritual or mystical state; it simple means waling in step with the Spirit.

Source: Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is): Sexual Purity in a Lust-Saturated World - Joshua Harris (2005)

I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997) 4/4

PART 4
Looking ahead

166
“Marriage is much more than a wedding ceremony,” write Gary and Betsy Ricucci in their book Love that Lasts. “A wedding is an event, but a marriage is a state of being. It’s not a one-time act; it’s a lifelong commitment to be developed and maintained.”

167
How should we view marriage? According to this sermon, reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and soberly. These words, rich in meaning, give us a vivid and vast picture of marriage. Reverence means “a profound respect mingled with awe.” Discretion means “discernment or good judgement.” To do something advisedly means “to carefully consider” it. And to approach something soberly means “to be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice.”

170
Marriage is a refining process. Conflict will occur in every marriage.

177
3 Characters
As we evaluate someone’s character (including your won), we need to carefully observe three areas – how the individual relates to God, the way he or she treats others, and the way this person disciplines his r her personal life. These areas are like windows to a person’s character.

181- 183
4 Attitudes
1) Willing obedience to God
2) Humility – considers others’ needs first.
3) Industriousness (Diligent)
4) Contentment and Hopefulness

189 –
4 Stages
1) Casual friendship – relational responsibilities
Every time when you feel attracted to someone, keep in mind that you’re involved in three kinds of relationships: your relationship with the person you’re interested in; your relationship with the people around you, including family and friends; and most important, your relationship with God. You have a responsibility toward each.
2) Deeper friendship
Friendship-deepening activities like service/ministry in church
As you friendship progresses, avoid saying and doing things that express romantic love. The context of a deepening friendship is not the time to talk about your possible future together; it’s time to get to know each other, serve God together in the church, and listen for God’s leading.
3) Courtship: purposeful intimacy with integrity
4) Engagement
I like Elisabeth Elliot’s advice to couples: “Keep your hands off and your clothes on.” Until you’re married, please don’t treat each other as if your bodies belong to each other even if you’re engaged.


Source: I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997)

I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997) 3/4

PART 3
Building a new lifestyle

112
“Stephen,” the father said gravely, “times will come in life when you realize you’ve made a mistake. At that moment, you have two choices: You can swallow your pride and ‘pull a few nails,’ or you can foolishly continue your course, hoping the problem will go away. Most of the time the problem will only get worse. I’m giving you this tool to remind you of this principle: When you realize you’ve made a mistake, the best thing you can do is tear down the wall and start over.”

114
Have the courage to obey now. Obedience today will save you a lot of sorrow and regret tomorrow.

115
You’ll need two things as you live our a new attitude toward relationships: wisdom and accountability. Ideally, both of these should come from your parents.

129
For Paul, Christian friendship has God’s glory as its goal. It’s not aimless or merely for the sake of a good time. Paul’s primary concern is not that we develop social skills – he wants our friendships to be an expression of a passionate desire for God and His glory.

131
Gentlemen, are you the kind of friend to the girls in your life that you will one day hear from their husbands, “Thank you for being a brother to my wife”?

132
C. S. Lewis writes, “We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead.” The key to friendship is a common goal or object on which both companions focus. It can be an athletic pursuit, a hobby, faith, or music, but it’s something outside of them. As soon as the tow people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship.

136
What is our relationship to each other? We’re brothers and sisters in Christ.
How do we treat each other? With honor.
And what’s the secret to your zeal? Service – side by side for God’s glory.
Guided by his attitude, being “just friends” can be just plain awesome.

145
To break out of this patter of infatuation (constant thoughts about someone who has caught your eye, the heart palpitations whenever that person walks by, the hours of dreaming of a future with that special someone), we must reject the notion that a human relationship can ever completely fulfill us. When we find our hearts slipping into the fantasy world of infatuation, we should pray, “Lord, help me to appreciate this person without elevating him (or her) above You in my heart. Help me to remember that no human can ever take Your place in my life. You are my strength, my hope, my joy, and my ultimate reward. Bring me back to reality, God; ‘give me an undivided heart” (Psalm 86: 11)

148
Do you often find yourself focusing on your won sorry state and not relying on God to do His hest for you? If so, then you probably need to take an honest look at your tendency toward self-pity. If you need to, you can defuse self-pity by doing several things.
First, stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people. Don’t get sucked into the comparison game. Too many people waste their lives pursuing things they don’t really want just because they can’t bear the idea of someone having something they don’t. Ask yourself this question: “Am I really lacking something in my life, or am I just coveting what someone else has?”
Next, when you feel those old feelings of self-pity rising, redirect them into compassion for others. Look around for someone who might share your feelings of loneliness, and find a way to comfort that person. Get your focus off your needs, and help meet someone else’s.
Finally, learn to use feelings of loneliness as an opportunity to draw closer to God.

157
Rebekah was able to meet God’s divine appointment for her life because she was faithfully carrying out her current obligations.” Yet though her task was mundane, she had a quickness to her step and ready willingness to serve others. These qualities put her in the right place at the right time with the right attitude when God intended to match her with Isaac.

If we aren’t faithful and growing in the relationships we have now, we won’t be prepared to pursue faithfulness and growth in marriage later.

159
Practice seeking God with others.
You might start this process with your family then branch out to pray and study the Bible with safe, non-romantic friends from church. Learn to share with others the lessons God teaches you. Learn to pray with someone else. Be honest about your areas of weakness, and ask God for a trusted person to keep you accountable in those areas.

Source: I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997)

I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997) 2/4

PART 2
The heart of the matter
61
Leslie and I decided very early in our relationship that we were going to refrain from physical contact until we were married. Our first kiss was at the altar.

65
Am I modelling the love of Christ?
Do my motivations and actions in this relationship reflect the perfect love God has shown me?

66
When we make our feelings the most important measure of love, we place ourselves at the center of importance. If a man feels love for the poor but never gives his money to help them or never shows kindness to them, what are his feelings worth?
By inflating the importance of feelings, we neglect the importance of putting love in action. When we evaluate the quality of our love for someone else simply by our own emotional fulfilment, we are being selfish.

65 – 68
3 fallacies of love and 3 biblical views of live
1) Self-centered love
- Christ taught that love is not for the fulfilment of self but for the glory God and the good of others. True love is selfless. It gives; it sacrifices; it dies to its own needs. “Greater love has no one that this, “Jesus said, “that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15: 13). He backed up His words with actions – He laid down His life for all of us.

2) Feeling-governed love
“If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14: 15). True love always expresses itself in obedience to god and service to others. Good feelings are nice but not necessary.

3) Beyond-my-control love
Jesus’ example also shows us that love is under our control. He chose to love us. Hoe chose to lay done His life for us. The danger of believing that you “fall in love” is that it also means you can “fall out of love” just as unexpectedly. Aren’t you glad that God’s love for us is under His control and not based on whim?

72
Committed, sincere, selfless, responsible – all these words describe God’s love. And each stands in stark contrast to the love practiced by the world.
In my view, if our habits in dating encourage us to wear the world’s style of love, then dating as we know it needs to go. If dating causes us to practice selfish, feeling-governed love that’s contrary to God’s love, we must be willing to reject it.

77
When we pursue romance is a major factor in determining whether or not dating is appropriate for us. And we can only determine the appropriate time to pursue romance when we understand God’s purpose for singleness and trust His timing for relationships.

80
Ask yourself whether you’re using God’s gift of singleness as He desires.
- Am I concentrating on “simple pleasing the Master”?
- Am I using this season of my life to become a “holy” instrument for God?
- Am I failing to believe that God is sovereign over this part of my life and can provide for me?
- Am I cluttering my life with needless complications and worries of dating?

83
Why don’t I snatch it up? Why shouldn’t you? Because God has promised something better. He provides something better now as we take advantage of the unique opportunities of singleness, and He’ll provide something better later when we enter into marriage. But we must have faith to believe it. Like those little children, we’re left alone with something that we think could satisfy us immediately. And we can’t see the reward of delaying gratification.

83-84
It gets down to this question: Do you trust God? Don’t give a knee-jerk, Sunday school answer. Do you really trust Him? Do you live your life as if you trust Him? Do you believe that by passing up something good now because it’s the wrong time, God will bring something better when it is the right time?
When will we find it? We ask. The answer is, Trust me.
How will we find it? The answer again is, Trust me.
Why must I let myself be lost? We persist. The answer is, Look at the acorn and trust Me.

84
Whether you’re single or married, whether you’re liked, loved, or lonely, they key to contentment is trust. Believe it or not, if we are discontented with singleness, we’ll more than likely face discontentment when we’re married.

86
Do you believe that God knows best? Then place your life’s calendar at His feet and allow Him to handle the scheduling of your relationships. Trust Him to handle the scheduling of your relationships. Trust Him even if it means not dating when other people think you should. When God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He’ll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” God says, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29: 11). Let’s live our todays for His kingdom and entrust our tomorrows to His providence.
We couldn’t lay our futures in better hands. All we have to do is trust.

88
True purity, however, is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise.

91
Living a pure life before God requires the teamwork of your heart and your feet. The direction of purity begins within; you must support it in practical, everyday decisions of where, when and with whom you choose to be.

92- 98
Purity in action
1) Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy.
God designed our sexuality as a physical expression of the oneness of marriage.
2) Set your standards too high (set high standards).
We can only attain righteousness by doing two things – destroying sin in its embryonic stage and fleeing temptation. Mr. Graham did both. He cut off the opportunity for sin at its root, and he fled from even the possibility of compromise.
For couples moving toward engagement or those already engaged, the same principle applies. Set you standards higher than you need to. Cut off sin at its root. Until you’re married – and I mean until you’ve walked down that aisle and exchanged vows – don’t act as if you bodies belong to each other.
Set you standards too high. You will never regret purity.
3) Make the purity of others a priority.
By making her emotional and spiritual purity a priority, Matt helped Julie focus her mind and heart on God. If Matt had acted selfishly, he could have distracted Julie from what God wanted to accomplish in and through her life.

Source: I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997)

I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997) 1/4

8
Joshua writes, “every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to live another person as God has loved us.” This sums up the book’s message. Once we embrace this principle, the rest is just details.

PART 1
Isn’t there a better way?
19
Relationships with the opposite sex is not about getting, but giving. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has lived us. To lay down our desires and do what’s in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there’s nothing in it for us. To want that person’s purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her.

20
Each person has to examine his or her own life and ask what it means to love others like Christ.

21
But when I changed my attitude and made pleasing God and blessing others my first priorities, I found true peace and joy. When I stopped seeing girls as potential girlfriends and started treating them as sisters in Christ, I discovered the incredible potential of serving God as a single. And when I stopped flirting with temptation in one-to-one dating relationships and started pursuing righteousness, I uncovered the peace and power that come from purity. I kissed dating goodbye I found our that God has something better in store!

23
Everyone around us may be doing it. But at the end of our lives, we won’t answer to everyone. We’ll answer to God.

23
It’s this grace, this mercy, that should motivate us to live differently for the rest of our lives. I’m unworthy sinner that God chose to rescue and forgive. This is love.
And because I’ve experienced it – because Jesus died for me – I’m committed to a love life that’s controlled by Him. I invite you along. In light of the love He’s given us, let’s make purity and blamelessness our priority.

25
The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.

33
This little principle (The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment) is a practical way to practice the Golden Rule in romance – it’s deciding to do what’s best for others by never asking for intimacy that you're not able to match with commitment.

38-46
Defective Dating
1) Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship.
C. S. Lewis describes friendship as two people waling side by side toward a common goal. Their mutual interest brings them together.
2) Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
3) Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
4) Dating can distract young adults from their primary responsibility or preparing for the future.
5) Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.
Although we don't sin when we look forward to marriage, we might be guilty of poor stewardship of our singleness when we allow a desire for something God obvious doesn’t have for us yet to rob our ability to enjoy and appreciate what He has given us.
6) Dating can create an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.
Part of the reason dating is fun is that it gives us a break from real life.
The priority shouldn’t be to get away from real life; they need a strong dose of objective reality! They need to see each other in the real-life settings of family and friends.
7) Dating often becomes an end it itself.
Instead of acting as a bridge between friendship and marriage, dating becomes the destination – not ending but not moving on, either.

49 – 53
Five attitudes changes to help you avoid defective dating.
1) Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ’s love.
The world will know we follow Christ by the way we love others. For this reason, we must practice live as God defines it – sincere, servant-hearted and selfless – not the world’s brand of selfish and sensual love based on what feels good.
2) My unmarried years are a gift from God.
3) I don’t need to pursue a romantic relationship before I’m ready for marriage.
4) I cannot “own” someone outside of marriage.
5) I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind.

55
Many of us walk through life plagued by the question “Has God given me His best?” But the question that we must answer first is “Am I giving God my best?”
You and I will never experience God’s best – in singleness or in marriage – until we give God our all. We’ve held on to old attitudes, foolishly clutching a lifestyle that the world tells us will bring fulfilment. God asks us to hand it all over to Him.

Source: I Kissed Dating Goodbye - Joshua Harris (1997)